Have yourself a very retro Christmas

The top 10 must have ingredients for perfect 70s festivities

10. Christmas Carols - download from your favourite 'borrow from a friend who you have never met' website and whack 'em on your ipod. Older and scratchier the better. And then sing along all the rude/stupid versions that you found so amusing when you were at school. "While shepherds washed their socks by night, all watching BBC the angel of the lord came down, and switched to I-T-V..."

9. Quality Street - no other chocolates will do. Ignore all the modern rubbish like Celebrations and Heroes and stick with what you know. Perfect wrappers for wrapping up bits of stale mince pies and putting them back in the box as a special treat for greedy kids.

8. Home made sausage rolls - avoid fancy cranberry and garlic muesli stuffed crap from Marks and Spencers and make your own with rubbish shortcrust pastry and cheap ASDA sausage meat. Fantastic heated up as early as you can get away with and served with...

7. Booze - Forget your Hugo's, Mojitto's and Pinot Grigio Blush and stick with Crofts original Sherry, Babysham and Snowballs! The more the merrier...hic!

6. Cheap crackers - the prices are ridiculous these days so for that added 70s authenticity I recomend any supermarket 'Basic' brand of cracker to guarantee, cheap shit paper hat that tears when you put it on, shit jokes, and shit plastic novelties like plastic moustaches, and those stupid film fishes that curl up on your hand.

5. Party games - dont be shy, get up and have a good old game of charades, Twister or Blind Mans Buff, immediately after dinner when absolutely nobody wants to apart from the bloody kids.

4. Indoor fireworks - can you even get these any more? I can still smell of the sulphur, lead, asbestos or whatever poisonous substance it was that made these bizarre little things work. I remember little cardboard pictures of elephants with trunks that grew, and cactus's that would burn different colors on each tip. Less fun than a box of matches...

3. Computer games - traditionally the greatest present of all as you would open it, be overwhelmed with joy and anticipation then sod off upstairs for the rest of the morning trying to load it onto your Crappadore 64, and ignoring the ever-growing feeling of dissapointment when you realised what a pile of turds the game really was.

2. Church - I know nobody does this anymore but there is a lot to be said for celebrating gods birthday by dressing up all smart then trudging out in the bitter cold to sit in an even colder stone building on pile-inducing wooden benches whilst listening to some kiddy-fiddler going on about sin. Basically it makes the rest of the day seem that much brighter.

1. Turkey - if anyone suggests venison, goose, beef, nut-roast, or god-forbid chicken for Christmas lunch then you should leave immediately. Divorce, change your name, abdicate or whatever it takes. Christmas dinner is Turkey. Lovely dry, overcooked, turkey that sticks in your teeth for days, and in the sandwiches, currys, pies and everything else that puts you off it for at least another year.

Merry Retro Christmas Retrobabblers!